Dear Chick in the Thin Rimmed Red Glasses,
I was violently thrashing my head and arms about like someone suffering an epileptic seizure, when from the corner of my eye I noticed you standing there with your boyfriend and his chiseled good looks.
“Well that’s odd,” I thought to myself, while ignoring the inevitable lower back pain that would greet me the following morning.
It seemed that of the hundred or so huddled masses gathered to see the Black Keys at the Glasshouse in Pomona, you and your frat boy significant other were the only ones not enjoying themselves.
But I thought nothing of it at the time and continued to diagnose my self-induced whiplash.
It was then that a grizzled Dan Auerbach began playing the explosive “10 A.M. Automatic”, whose sinewy garage rock strut, sent everyone within a ten block radius into a tizzy.
I glanced over yet again, only to witness your startling indifference.
Patrick Carney and his lanky six foot plus frame then proceeded to pummel his drum kit into submission on the Jimi Hendrix-esque “Set You Free” as his tornado limbs kept time with Auerbach’s soulful declaration, “Let him go/Walk out your door/And come to me/I’m gonna set you free.”
“Huh, what about that?” I quietly asked with grinning self-satisfaction.
Nope, still nothing. Once again you were completely catatonic throughout the performance.
I breathed a heavy sigh just as the throbbing reverb of “Strange Times” off the Danger Mouse produced Attack and Release blared from the guitar amp.
The audience still reeling from the sudden rush of endorphins was quickly brought to their knees with a swift kick to the groin courtesy of the seductive “Your Touch”.
Surely if anything was to illicit a response it would be that.
“Seriously, what the f*ck is wrong with you? Did a blues musician rape you as a teenager?” I pondered.
This wasn’t just another novelty act (ala the White Stripes) on stage; these were two highly skilled musicians in their prime, playing the blues with the same vehemence and reckless abandon of their racially discriminated counterparts.
Auerbach’s soothing baritone closed out their set with “I Got Mine”, whose building torrent of percussion helped punctuate the evening.
However, my enthusiasm would not last for long, as I peered over in your direction for a final assessment.
There you were, with douchebag boyfriend in tow, texting away on your overpriced phone.
My blood began to boil as I clenched my fist in anger.
“Why are you even here you ungrateful b*tch? You could have just as easily wasted your time talking to your brain dead friends from home. Do you have no soul? Are you completely empty inside? People like you should have to take a f*cking test just to get past the front doors. And by test, I mean a full body exam to determine whether or not you actually have a pulse. By the way, in case you were curious, you don’t. Because no self-respecting human being would just stand idly by during one of the better concerts I’ve been to in the last year,” I imagined myself saying, but lacked the requisite balls to publicly acknowledge.
Anyway, all in all it was a pretty good show.
Yours Truly,
Sam
Upcoming Tour Dates:
April 27 – Columbus, OH @ Skully’s Music Diner
April 30 – New Orleans, LA @ Contemporary Arts Center
June 5 – Pittsburgh, PA @ Point State Park
June 6 – Philadelphia, PA @ Festival Pier at Penn’s Landing
July 10 – Louisville, KY @ The Forecastle Festival
July 18 – Commerce City, CO @ Mile High Music Festival
August 2 – Jersey City, NJ @ All Points West
