Posts Tagged ‘Michael Jackson’

This Is It by Michael Jackson

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

It was only a matter of time before people started exploiting Michael Jackson’s death for profit, making AEG Live’s decision to release rehearsal footage in the form of a two hour long documentary all the less shocking.

Let’s face it, if they or any other business person could find a way to make money off the current Rwandan genocide, you’d be seeing hand numbered commemorative lithographs on the Home Shopping Network as we speak, and available on flex pay for just three easy payments of $19.99.

Needless to say, why just release a film when you can double down on a two disc movie soundtrack comprised of album masters, alternate takes, and a spoken poem written by the King of Pop himself.

This Is It may have been your final chance to see Jackson perform live, but it won’t be the last time money hungry opportunists use his name and likeness.

Speaking of which, don’t forget to check out our large selection of Michael Jackson paraphernalia at store.rock.com!

  • Share/Bookmark

Thriller saved by pedophilia.

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Pedophelia cures what ails you.

An unearthed interview with Michael Jackson revealed that the King of Pop had some misgivings about his iconic album Thriller prior to its release in 1982, but it was nothing a handful of nubile prepubescent children couldn’t remedy.

According to News of the World, a British based entertainment publication, Jackson told interviewers that he intended to scrap the entire album upon listening to it for the first time.

Thriller sounded so crap. The mixes sucked. When we listened to the whole album, there were tears…I just cried like a baby,” Jackson said. “I stormed out of the room and said, ‘We’re not releasing this. Call [record company] CBS and tell them they are not getting this album. We are not releasing this.’”

Hoping to ease his mind and find new inspiration, Jackson did what any completely heterosexual man would do in a time of crisis; he went to a public school and stared at children all day.

“One of the maintenance crew in the studio had a bicycle and so I took it and rode up to the schoolyard,” he said. “I just watched the children play. When I came back I was ready to rule the world. I went into the studio and I turned them songs out.”

Not since The Professional has there been a more touching display of pedophilia.

In related news, a separate lost interview was recently made public by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, in which the hopelessly naïve singer implied that Adolf Hitler was the greatest showman the world had ever known.

“Hitler was a genius orator,” Jackson said. “To make that many people turn and change and hate, he had to be a showman and he was.”

Come on, everyone knows Hitler was just Paul McCartney to Joseph Stalin’s John Lennon.

  • Share/Bookmark

Let the shameless opportunism begin.

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

Jermaine Jackson is a piece of sh*t.A tribute concert for the recently deceased Michael Jackson was unveiled by longtime sycophant/brother Jermaine, who announced that the star-studded extravaganza would be held in Vienna, Austria of all places.

Jermaine attributed the bizarre choice of venue to his younger brother’s obsession with castles and other phallic imagery.

Participating in the event will be fellow R&B musicians Mary J. Bilge, Akon, and Natalie Cole, who now has an excuse to sing a duet with another dead person.

Chris Brown has also been tapped to perform and will allegedly act as a living tribute to Jackson’s meteoric fall from grace.

The concert will take place on September 26 with some 65,000 people expected to be in attendance.

In related news, the King of Pop was finally laid to rest 70 days after the fact, in a relatively low-key private ceremony at the Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California, and was rumored to have featured several priceless works of art and a performance by Gladys Knight.

  • Share/Bookmark

Right on schedule: Jackson’s siblings begin capitalizing off his death.

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

The Jackson 4 mourns the loss of the only Jackson that matters.Just when you thought the Jackson Family were all run of the mill opportunists with delusions of grandeur, they prove you wrong and continue to raise the bar for sleazebags everywhere.

A&E Entertainment, the cable channel responsible for such cultural touchstones as Mind Freak and Dog the Bounty Hunter have announced that Jackie, Tito, Jermaine and Marlon Jackson will extend what was to become a brief documentary about their Jackson 4 reunion tour into a full-blown reality show.

Seriously, don’t you have any decency? It’s only been a month since you buried your baby brother and you’ve already lined up a lucrative television contract? For shame!

Speaking of which, check out our wide selection of Michael Jackson related paraphernalia at Rock.com and let the world know who’s bad! (I was going for the irony people)

In other related news, the Los Angeles Coroner’s Office told us what we already knew, it appears the King of Pop had “lethal levels” of Propofol (a powerful anesthetic) in his system at the time of his death.

City officials also officially ruled Jackson’s death a homicide, believing his attending doctor, Conrad Murray, directly contributed to his passing.

  • Share/Bookmark

Dun dun duuunnn!

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

LaToya "Johnny Mnemonic" Jackson stores megabytes of data in her bra.

The ongoing Michael Jackson saga continues to spiral ever closer to Daytime Drama territory, as the latest development finds his sister LaToya embroiled in the alleged theft of a computer hard drive containing 100’s of unreleased songs.

According to Rolling Stone magazine, Jackson’s manager Frank DiLeo claims the plastic surgery ridden sibling accompanied by other members of her immediate family, swooped down on his estate like vultures and picked apart its remains.

“They back up trucks, removing everything,” DiLeo said. “They thought Michael owned it all, so they took even the rented furniture. That’s who’s going to run his estate?”

DiLeo alleges that among the unreleased material were B-sides from his multiplatinum selling albums Bad and Thriller, as well as songs he recorded with current hip hop heavyweights such as Ne-Yo, Akon, and will.i.am.

In other related news, the insurance policy taken out by AEG Live for the King of Pop’s 50 show residency at the O2 Arena, excluded the “illicit taking of drugs”, which would suggest that the entertainment giant could potentially lose out on millions of dollars should the autopsy report show that Jackson was

  • Share/Bookmark

Jackson moonwalks with a Dirt Devil vacuum.

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

Michael Jackson is a cottage industry in death.

My vain attempt to avoid mentioning Michael Jackson by name has lasted only slightly longer than Paul Bunyan’s fabled last stand at Kennebunkport (wait, what?), but unfortunately news outlets and wire services continue to prop up his decomposing corpse like an ill-conceived third sequel to Weekend at Bernie’s.

The latest controversy surrounding Jackson’s posthumous career comes from a heated bidding war over footage recorded during his last rehearsal for what was to become his massive comeback tour.

As of now, several all-powerful movie conglomerates such as Paramount, Universal, and 20th Century Fox were shown footage from the King of Pop’s last day on Earth and have expressed interest in ghoulishly marketing the video as his final performance ever.

“This type of a story, if put together right, could be very compelling and draw a very, very wide audience,” Entertainment Attorney Mark Fleischer said in an interview with the Associated Press (which for those unfamiliar with public relations speak loosely translates to, “Ca-Ching!”).

However, industry insiders claim Sony has the inside track on any and all negations, as a result of their close ties to the Jackson Estate and an ongoing partnership with his now infamous ATV Music Publishing venture, which owns the copyrights to the Beatles’ entire back catalog.

Their outrageous $50 million bid probably didn’t hurt either.

  • Share/Bookmark

People are strange creatures…

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Janet Jackson consoles a grieving Paris.

As a product of the 90’s collective nihilism, I have no tangible connection to the decade before it, whose pageantry and excess would ultimately fuel the creation of history’s lone megastar, Michael Jackson.

Sure other iconic figures such as Elvis and the Beatles came before him, but none matched Jackson’s overwhelming mass appeal (especially in regions of the world that openly rejected Western ideals), allowing him to do what even Alexander the Great failed to accomplish, conquer an entire human race and sustain an empire under the banner of the still unrivaled multi-platinum smash, Thriller.

This is why Tuesday’s memorial service was significant and attracted an astounding 1 billion viewers world-wide, but if nothing else, it also offered a brief glimpse at how both society and history function.

Only a month prior to this landmark moment, Jackson was the object of ridicule, a cautionary tale told by parents and the punch line in nearly every late night monologue.

Then in one brief flash everything suddenly changed as the world converged on the Staples Center to celebrate the life of a father, son, brother, and influential musician.

The only variable to explain such an unforeseen shift in popular opinion is his lack of a pulse for it seems in death we are truly absolved of all past transgressions and remembered fondly as children of God, Xenu, or what have you.

Of course none of it really makes any sense, but it’s what we’ve unknowingly signed onto as human beings.

So it seems only fitting that in a lavish $4 million spectacle, bookended by inane Kentucky Fried allegories and shameless political rhetoric, that it would be the image of a justifiably awkward prepubescent girl sobbing into a microphone which will be forever engrained in our memories.

But such is the essence of tragedy, since inevitability it is the survivors of it that must linger on with the knowledge of a life that once was.

Although I’m not usually one to trot out clichéd sentimentality, I think Socrates said it best, “The hour of departure has arrived and we go our ways; I to die, and you to live. Which is better? Only God knows.”

  • Share/Bookmark

Joe Jackson is the Father of the Year.

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

This is the face of a grieving father.

Unless you’ve been living in a cave for the past week or were raised by wolves a la the 1987 Howie Mandel “classic” (I use the term loosely) Walk Like A Man, you’ve likely heard the terrible news that has left the world in a complete state of shock.

I’m of course referring to the tragic loss of pitchman extraordinaire, Billy Mays, who with only a simple shout of his booming voice could entice unsuspecting victims to purchase inferior Chinese made products for only one easy payment of $19.95.

Oh and Michael Jackson happened to die around the same period of time, but for some reason no one’s really talking about it (sarcasm alert).

Anyway, it seems Jackson completed the fabled celebrity death trifecta with a little help from Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, after suffering heart failure brought on by an apparent drug overdose or at least that’s the overwhelming consensus until the final autopsy report proves otherwise.

Since his passing a myriad of shameless opportunists and hangers-on have come out of the woodworks, but none seemed more genuinely distraught about Jackson’s death than his loving father Joe.

“It has been really tough,” Joe told CNN reporter Don Lemon at the BET Awards. “Remember, we just lost the biggest superstar in the world, so it’s been tough.”

“Superstar” was of course Joe’s favorite pet name for Michael, who he also often affectionately referred to as “Cash Cow” and “Daddy’s Meal Ticket”.

Joe, still flustered with anguish, spoke from the heart in a written statement from his publicist and did what all grieving fathers do in times of personal crisis, plugged his newest business venture.

“But, I want to make this statement, this is a real good statement here,” Joe said. “Marshall and I own a record company called Ranch Records.”

Wow…what a piece of sh*t. No wonder Michael was as f*cked up as he was.

  • Share/Bookmark

All Michael Jackson, all the time.

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

Michael Jackson won’t be coming to a town near you.Although I’ve personally grown tired of the constant media coverage of the King of Pop’s untimely death, far be it for me to deny you all the pleasure of picking at the bones of a discarded carcass.

So for the sake of milking this story for all it’s worth, why don’t we discuss what happens next, particularly with what was Michael Jackson’s short lived comeback tour.

At stake are some $85 million in box-office revenue amassed from each of his 50 scheduled “This Is It” dates at London’s O2 Arena.

According to the Associated Press, not only were organizer’s heads firmly entrenched between their legs as they rapidly descended toward Terra firma, all parties involved chose to carefully deliberate how best to screw over current ticket holders rather than fondly remember what was once their burgeoning careers.

“The advice we’re giving is that it may take a little while because it was quite a large ticket distribution,” said Consumer Direct spokesman, Frank Shepherd. “We’re advising people to be a bit patient.”

That was until AEG begrudgingly issued a statement insisting that they would honor all refunds, assuming you didn’t scalp them from a man in a black trench coat.

“The world lost a kind soul who just happened to be the greatest entertainer the world has ever known,” AEG Live executive, Randy Phillips said in a written statement. “Since he loved his fans in life, it is incumbent upon us to treat them with the same reverence and respect after his death.”

However, the concert promotions giant is also attempting to salvage what they can from this unmitigated disaster by offering obsessive fans the opportunity to receive lavish “lenticular processed” tickets “designed” by Jackson himself, in place of their cold hard cash.

While some will be dumb enough to essentially pay a king’s ransom for what amounts to printed paper, everyone who played a part in the historic comeback will be losing countless hours of sleep, while visions of collateralized debt dance in their heads.

  • Share/Bookmark

Unrepentant sexual deviant or the ultimate movie nerd? You decide.

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

Michael Jackson’s house is the closet nerd’s wet dream.Those of you longing for a crystal studded glove that meets all your crotch grabbing needs, the wait is finally over.

A financially insolvent Michael Jackson has put his famous hand wear from the iconic “Billie Jean” music video, as well as many other curious knick knacks up for auction in Beverly Hills.

Among the 1,390 items on sale is a life-sized wax replica from Madam Tussauds, a 1989 Rolls Royce Silver Seraph limousine, and the 24-karat gold detailed front gates that once greeted many a 13-year-old boy who visited the now vacant Neverland Ranch.

The Los Angeles Times estimate Jackson’s current debt woes to be somewhere in the area of $24 million, which likely prompted the King of Pop to sell off all of his worldly possessions (valued at between $10 to $20 million in auction).

Other curios include a carbonite frozen Han Solo, dozens of video game cabinets, and pedophile friendly Peter Pan paraphernalia.

Also worth mentioning are several inanimate fiberglass servants, which were strewn throughout the provincial 2500 acre estate, and act as testaments to Jackson’s tragic loneliness.

“I think Michael felt comfortable surrounding himself with loyal subjects like the little lady with the cup and saucer and another lady and gentleman sitting by the fire,” Julien’s Auctions Executive Director Martin Nolan said.

You almost feel kind of bad for the guy. Anyway, so how much did you say that Darth Vader statue was?

  • Share/Bookmark