Jennifer Aniston has finally wised up and dumped John Mayer, after she discovered the musician was spending more time on Twitter than satisfying her sexually.
According to font of journalistic credibility, Star magazine, Aniston told close friends that Mayer spent far too much of his personal time, tweeting about “fanny packs” and “androgynous emoticons”.
“John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her emails and when she would finally catch up with him, he’d say: ‘I’ve been so busy with work. I’m sorry I haven’t had time to call you back,’” said a nameless source, likely a random homeless man on the street.
However, Mayer was not in fact “busy at work” as he had claimed or merely masturbating to internet pornography like most normal people.
“Jen was fuming…Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line,” said an inanimate pet rock.
Mayer’s last tweet to Aniston was, “This heart didn’t come with instructions.”
Can anyone explain to me why Twitter is so popular? What the f*ck is wrong with you people?
How narcissistic do you have to be to think people actually give a sh*t about every little f*cking thing you do?
Unless you’re Fake Michael Bay, you have no business updating me on your spending habits or bowel movements.