Posts Tagged ‘David Bowie’

Double, double toil and trouble…

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

David Bowie's semen has magic powers.

Apparently, David Bowie wasn’t exactly all there during the late 70’s, and turned to witchcraft as a remedy for his near psychotic breakdown.

Author Marc Spitz alleges in his new book entitled Bowie: A Biography, that the Thin White Duke wholeheartedly believed supernatural forces were out to get him, and boned up on the subject in search of answers to his paranormal dilemma.

“Bowie would sit in the house with a pile of high-quality cocaine atop the glass coffee table, a sketch pad and a stack of books,” Spitz wrote. “…Using this and more arcane books on witchcraft, white magic and its malevolent counterpart, black magic, as rough guides to his own rapidly fragmenting psyche, Bowie began drawing protective pentagrams on every surface.”

According to Spitz, an overly paranoid Bowie sunk deep into depression and suffered from hallucinations.

“Increasingly Bowie was convinced there were witches after his semen,” he wrote. “They were intent on using it to make a child to sacrifice to the devil, essentially the plot to Roman Polanski’s 1968 supernatural classic Rosemary’s Baby.”

Concerned he would be milked for his precious bodily fluid by sex-crazed harlots (I’m fairly certain he never complained in the past), Bowie visited Walli Elmlark, a prominent figure in the Wiccan community.

“Elmark wrote a series of spells and incantations out for Bowie as he continued to wrestle with the forces of darkness,” Spitz wrote.

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Flight of the Conchords On Tour

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

Flight of the Conchords, New Zealand’s forth most popular digi-folk parodists, will launch an extensive tour of North America, beginning in former football tourist Mecca, Tampa Bay, Florida.

Experience “Business Time”, “Bowie”, and all your other favorites in person, as they become exponentially less and less funny with each additional listen.

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David Bowie is the harbinger of death.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

Say it ain’t so, Thin White Duke?

Some random guy on the internets is blaming David Bowie for the current economic woes facing the international credit market, but surprisingly ignores his part in the loathsome metrosexuality fad.

Relatively popular British economist, Evan Davis, published an editorial in The Daily Mail detailing Bowie’s role in the economic collapse, specifically the common practice of securitizing loans.

In 1997 Bowie relinquished his royalty rights in exchange for a large cash advance.

“He thought: ‘I have a lot of money coming in over the next ten year from my back catalogue, but I’d rather have the cash now and not have to wait’,” Davis wrote in reference to Bowie’s possible state of mind at the time.

Davis contends that this unprecedented event inspired larger financial institutions to approach home mortgages in a similar “Fashion” (Turn to the left).

Shortly after, banks began bundling billions of dollars worth in mortgages and sold them to private companies, which in turn freed up more capital to lend out, thus continuing the vicious cycle.

“But then it started to go wrong,” Davis said. “As the banks were selling the loans, any bad risk became someone else’s problem, so the banks didn’t have to worry so much who they were lending to.”

Having removed risk from the equation, banks continued lending out massive sums of money to less than qualified applicants, whose loan defaults would eventually drive down the price of securities.

“No one wanted securities, their value plummeted, and the banks having bought so many, lost a lot themselves,” he said.

Now you know why we’re all screwed, if only someone could set it to comforting music, a la Schoolhouse Rock.

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