Posts Tagged ‘Autobiography’

Osbourne has lost many brain cells.

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

Ozzy Osbourne hawks his tell-all autobiography.Apparently, Ozzy Osbourne is just as shocked as we are that he’s still alive after years of regular exposure to sex, drugs, and Rock ‘n’ Roll.

In an interview with CNN, Osbourne expressed stunned disbelief and gratitude for surviving a lifetime of debauchery.

“With the sexually transmitted disease, what I was doing is playing Russian roulette with sex,” he said. “With drugs, it nearly killed me on a daily basis. I did a lot of heavy drug taking for a long time and I survived it by the grace of God.”

Osbourne of course insisted that others avoid following in his footsteps.

“You might not be as lucky as me,” he said. “I’m living on borrowed time.”

The former Black Sabbath frontman also addressed the current state of music (as well as his obvious sweet tooth), claiming that many of today’s acts have far more in common with inferior Chinese products than they would like to think.

“It’s completely different – they’re manufactured people now…like ice cream,” Osbourne said.

However, Osbourne still believes there is hope for humanity, and that responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of Lady Gaga?

“Every now and then somebody comes out and I really like them,” he said. “I really like this Lady Gaga.”

Let this be a warning to the rest of you. Say no to drugs.

Peter Hook calls Morrissey names, talks to mother with same mouth.

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

Peter Hook makes out with Ian Curtis.Hoping to draw further attention to his waning music career, Peter Hook publicly lambasted fellow blowhard Morrissey while promoting his aptly titled first book The Hacienda: How Not To Run A Club, a how-to guide to financial ruin and/or an autobiography chronicling the drug abuse and debauchery of the 90’s rave scene.

“There’s no way I could have liked the Smiths as they were our competition,” Hook told a crowd of passing onlookers. “Morrissey’s a twat anyway! He makes Mark E. Smith look popular! He really does.”

While audience members struggled to figure out who Mark E. Smith was and how exactly the mere mention of his name is an insult, the former Joy Division and New Order musician continued to hurl half-a**ed barbs at his acknowledged rival.

“What I do love about Mozzer though, is that any time anyone has any legal problem with him, the only person you can speak to about [it] is his mother,” Hook said. “…So if you have a problem you have to deal with Morrissey’s mother. And the first thing she says is, ‘Our Steven wouldn’t do that!’”

No offense, but if you are going to disrespect anyone’s mother, you should at least put some effort into it. “Your mama’s so stupid…” is a classic for a reason.