Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Elton John wants nothing to do with Love’s Hole.

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Courtney Love is a cold mess.Needing another Get Rich Quick scheme to recoup the millions of dollars she inhaled, snorted, and injected over the years, Courtney Love has begun promoting Hole’s upcoming forth studio album Nobody’s Daughter, which was originally set for release in 2007.

Love admitted to pulling out all the stops in an interview with Q Magazine, including a futile attempt to enlist the help of Elton John, who wasn’t the first or last member of the male species to turn down the drug addled singer.

“We wanted Elton, but we got this guy that Bono and me were talking about,” Love said. “He played at New York’s Carnegie Hall. He’s very deft. I don’t know that I really could have made Elton get on a plane and come to me!”

Melissa Auf der Maur is the only returning member participating in this sham of a reunion, after Love announced she would be replacing disgruntled guitarist Eric Erlandson with British musician Micko Larkin.

The former Grunge icon initially hesitated when hiring Larkin, given his past history of alcohol abuse.

“He was known to be a very good guitarist, but was also known to be a very copious drinker,” Love said. “It’s something that really pisses me off about English culture sometimes. I love England and I want to live in Buckinghamshire, but I do not want to go to drinking parties where they pay for the coke. That’s just retarded to me.”

Because, why pay for something that you can get for free?

Morrissey throws his arms around unemployment. Get it? Neither do I.

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Morrissey still insists he's straight.Morrissey continued the new scorched earth direction of his music career by announcing the firing of his management team via a carefully worded press release.

“Following consultation with my lawyers, I wish it be known that I have terminated, with immediate effect, my association with Front Line Management (Irving Azoff, Andy Gould, and Lil Gary), who no longer have any rights to issue any statements on my behalf,” he wrote. “I would also like to stress that I have no association with accountants appointed by Front Line, namely London & Co.”

The move comes just weeks after the beleaguered singer cut ties with former record label Universal, for their part in making B-sides compilation Swords an unmitigated disaster.

“It was proposed and accepted as a budget-priced CD, yet emerged everywhere as the most expensive CD in the racks,” Morrissey told British newspaper The Guardian. “It was poorly distributed and didn’t stand a chance, and ranks as the lowest chart position I’ve ever encountered.”

Morrissey has yet to disclose any future plans, but remains hopelessly optimistic that he’ll find a new home on another less incompetent label.

“Record label interest is zero, but the sun will creep back into the room one way or another,” he said. “It always does.”

Bus crash sends Cuomo to hospital.

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Say it ain't so Rivers Cuomo?

Rivers Cuomo is in stable condition after a bus accident left the Weezer frontman with a damaged spleen and punctured lung.

According to MTV News, Cuomo was riding in a bus with his family and entourage last Sunday morning in upstate New York, when the driver lost control of the vehicle and crashed into an eight foot ravine alongside the highway.

Cuomo’s friend Karl Koch updated fans on his condition via the band’s official website, and claims the singer/songwriter’s health has progressed over the last several days.

“Rivers has had a much better day than yesterday,” Koch wrote. “He went from being barely able to talk and open his eyes yesterday to partially sitting up, talking clearly, reading books and checking the internet, plus his color and energy seemed much brighter.”

Although the puncture did not cause Cuomo’s lung to collapse, doctors must still monitor the injuries to insure his wounds have properly healed.

“Today the doctor announced that Rivers’ blood pressure had stabilized, meaning the spleen was no longer leaking – it was on the mend,” Koch wrote. “And his lung seemed to be gaining strength and holding up, meaning it too looks like it will mend itself with time. All this is great news so far. Plus he was given the go ahead to eat some real food again – a very positive sign!”

Weezer have canceled the remaining dates of their United States tour.

Doherty rekindles wartime grudge with Germany.

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Pete Doherty celebrates sobriety with another drink.Just when you thought Pete Doherty needed an uncontrollable drug addiction to continue his Joe DiMaggio-like streak of random stupidity, the Babyshambles frontman proved everyone wrong last week with one astonishing act after the next.

Doherty began his German assault by insulting an entire audience of festival goers with the singing of “Deutschland, Deutschland Ueber Alles”, the national anthem previously endorsed by the Nazi party during their brief but memorable reign.

Either out of fear for his safety and/or a general dislike for scandal, festival organizers immediately removed Doherty from the stage after the crowd began showering him with boos and cat calls.

According to Rolling Stone and a nameless publicist, he was completely unaware that singing a song with former Nazi ties could potentially infuriate the good people of Germany.

“[Doherty] deeply apologizes if he has caused any offense,” his spokesperson said. “Pete himself is from Jewish descent and has fought against racism and fascism with numerous organizations. This is a subject he feels very strongly about.”

Still unsatisfied with merely offending an entire country, the recently rehabilitated British rocker was later arrested in Berlin in a separate completely unrelated matter.

German newspaper Bild alleges that a witness observed Doherty throw a pint glass at a parked Ford Fiesta, resulting in property damage charges and a three hour stint in jail.

The power of breast compels you!

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Good luck trying to keep eye contact with Jessica Simpson.Occasionally you’ll cross paths with a couple whose union completely baffles you, but typically the attraction can be reduced to animal lust or the seduction of wealth and power.

However, neither seems to explain why Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan would choose to exchange bodily fluids with one another.

According to font of journalist credibility OK! Magazine, Simpson and Corgan were caught flirting with one another at a November party, and the two have been inseparable ever since.

“She has completely fallen for Billy and his easygoing, smart attitude,” an anonymous source/random homeless person allegedly told the celebrity tabloid.

Simpson had previously tweeted about the Smashing Pumpkins frontman, urging fans to visit his website and read his incoherent ramblings.

“My friend, Billy Corgan, has a pure and enlightening outlook on faith,” she wrote.

The inanimate paper weight that was interviewed for the article claims the buxom and functionally retarded Pop singer has always had a thing for washed up musicians.

“[Jessica has] secretly been crushing on him for months and felt there was a connection,” it said.

I guess one should never underestimate the allure of enormous, disproportionately sized breast.

How the mighty have fallen…

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Jann Wenner is a sellout.Rolling Stone was once the defining source for all the latest cultural trends and housed many of the greatest contemporary writers of the last century, including one Hunter S. Thompson, who loudly decried the moral bankruptcy of a society driven by Capitalistic urges.

Now the Jann Wenner published institution caters to the lowest common denominator, regularly featuring profiles from pedophile-friendly corporate pawns and glowing reviews of insipid Pop jingles.

Things have only gotten worse, as Britain’s the Guardian reports that Rolling Stone has unveiled plans to open a chain of music themed restaurants across the country, beginning with a test location in Los Angeles, California.

“We’ve been looking for the ideal opportunity to expand the Rolling Stone brand for some time,” Wenner said in a press release.

The restaurant will avoid prominently displaying rock memorabilia in favor of soulless black finished brick walls and leather furniture.

Items from the menu will also undoubtedly be laden with terrible pun pseudonyms and contain descriptions that consist of poorly written screeds on the collapse of Western civilization.

Macca is afraid of the Interweb.

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Paul McCartney has no problems with the ladies.

Despite the untold amounts of money Sir Paul McCartney could make from releasing the entire Beatles catalog via digital distribution, he continues to resist the urge to capitalize on the mp3 craze sweeping this nation, out of fear his life’s work might find its way onto the Internets. Wait, what?

During a recent interview with British newspaper The Guardian, McCartney claimed the only thing holding back a Beatles digital renaissance is the all too real potential for internet piracy and retaliatory lawsuits.

“I met [EMI’s chief executive] on a plane once. I said: ‘What is the problem? I want to do it, we all want to do it,’” he said. “And he explained that in the deal that we want, they feel exposed. If [digitized Beatles music] gets out, if one employee decides to take it home and wap it on the internet, we would have the right to say, ‘Now you recompense us for that.’ And they’re scared of that.”

According to technology blog Gizmodo, McCartney is particularly frightened by a potential leak of digital masters, which would give criminals and thieves (you know, internet users) full access to the Beatles’ recordings.

“I don’t know how much you’ve read about the making of [The Beatles: Rock Band], but they went to incredible lengths to protect the masters,” an anonymous source allegedly said. “It was only towards the end of the project that Harmonix received the (heavily encrypted) music they needed; before then, Apple Corps had been sending ‘dirtied-up’ copies of the music just in case it was intercepted halfway.”

However, the whole thing still sounds a bit preposterous, especially when you account for the fact that Beatles songs have been circulating the World Wide Web since its creation in 1958 by former Vice President Al Gore (who was approximately 10 years old at the time).

It’s still alive! Shoot it in the head!

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Pete Wentz laughs at your misfortune.Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end and we can all sleep soundly knowing that Fall Out Boy are no more, or are they?

In an interview with British magazine Kerrang!, Pete Wentz acknowledged the untimely demise of his band and admitted that it was ultimately all his own doing.

“My biggest personal reason for taking a break is that I feel my name has become a hindrance for the band,” Wentz said. “[Frontman Patrick Stump] is a musical genius and it’s unfortunate that he gets reviewed based on whatever’s going on in my personal life or how my hair looks.”

Wentz went on to say that his newfound tabloid celebrity has brought upon undeserved attention and an overabundance of Emo self-loathing.

“A lot of people think Fall Out Boy is me, but it’s the four of us,” he said. “I want to f*cking vomit when I read intros that say, ‘Pete Wentz: accidental internet poster boy.’ It makes me feel ugly.”

However, during a bizarre argument over semantics, Wentz told MTV News that drummer Andy Hurley’s use of the term “hiatus” in a recent Twitter posting was taken out of context by an elite liberal media.

“It’s weird because, if you look it up in the dictionary, ‘hiatus’ is a synonym for ‘a break.’ We’re on a break that doesn’t have a definite ending. There’s no ending date,” Wentz insisted. “We’ve been doing this for eight years straight, where it was pre-recording, record, promo tour, tour pre-recording record, tour, tour, and our band was going to imminently implode.”

Still unconvinced that people were able to grasp the concept of needing rest, Wentz delved further into the subject with another “Webster’s Dictionary defines…” nugget.

“I don’t think I would use the word ‘hiatus’ because I think that word has gotten a dirty name, especially if you say ‘indefinite hiatus,’” he said. “I wouldn’t use the word ‘breakup’ because that’s not true. It’s a break – we’re decompressing. I’m making a new term for it: we’re decompressing right now.”

John Mayer calls kettle black.

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

John Mayer ponders meaning of life, and then has sex with it.Tabloid mainstay John Mayer claims celebrities make for terrible musicians, while simultaneously pleading immunity to the many pitfalls that come with fame.

“You can’t make music as a famous person,” Mayer told British newspaper The Guardian. “Famous people make really bad records, so I make music as a musician.”

Mayer went on to say that he often spends up to 14 hours a day in his recording studio, churning out insipid Pop songs for the masses, but insists he’s yet to let his baffling popularity go to his head.

“I’ve read people say I was the sh*t and I’ve read people say I am sh*t,” he said. “I don’t have to prove anything anymore – all I have to do is play.”

The extremely hateable musician also claims that his many liaisons with the opposite sex have little impact on his career, which he says is entirely motivated by a desire to not suck.

“Now my motivation is not so that people know my name, it’s not so I can make money, it’s not so I can meet girls,” Mayer said. ‘My motivation is to prove to people that you can buck the trend, that it’s not an absolute that if you can be really successful, then you’re gonna start sucking.”

Yeah, good luck with that.

The end of innocence…

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Taylor Swift kisses a phallic symbol.It’s common knowledge that record companies are greedy, opportunistic whores willing to sue their own mother for the spare change under her sofa, but who would have imagined that the delightfully sterile Taylor Swift would stoop to the same level.

According to font of journalistic credibility, TMZ, Swift and her cadre of overpriced lawyers have filed a lawsuit against an Idaho sports bar for their supposed theft of her music.

Broadcast Music, Inc. allegedly “infiltrated” The Sports Cellar with the use of an undercover agent, and in the process discovered that many of the bar’s patrons were listening to and performing her songs without any prior legal consent.

Of course being the corporate shill that she is, Swift likely has no idea what horrible acts are being carried out in her name, but it’s fairly safe to assume that $1 Student Bailout nights will never be the same again.

In related news, Bon Jovi and Gwen Stefani have joined in on this miscarriage of justice with separate suits against Sally’s Saloon & Eatery in Minneapolis, Minnesota.